altar

if
the ocean
can calm itself,
so can you.

under construction.

you are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again.

mira: named after the red giant star in the constellation cetus.

someone has to leave first. this is a very old story.

there is no other version of this story.

loup's mother died when she and lucas were still young, and were never told how it happened, and were never allowed to ask. they grew up with their father, who was emotionally, and physically abusive. they often joked that their mother at least managed to escape him.

they were stuck with their father for a long time. it was while they were still living with him that loup started to develop intense intrusive thoughts, mostly of herself performing violent acts towards their father. she didn't recognize them as intrusive thoughts, and told lucas about what she was experiencing—who often encouraged her to act on them. he would seem half-joking, but sometimes she wasn't sure. she never did act on those thoughts, and was never fully repulsed by them; she hated their father, after all.

while she and lucas at least had each other (and he was at least two years older than loup) they developed an unhealthy relationship because of his encouragement of her intrusive thoughts. she didn't think it was so bad, at first, and would even laugh it off—until she began to notice she got those intrusive thoughts with other men. sometimes, even lucas. it is something she still struggles with, even now.

loup and her brother had been working part-time jobs since they were first legally able to, and tried to hide as much of it from their father as they could, knowing he would demand their money. once she graduated from high school, they took off. got a crappy apartment with employers as guarantors. they were able to work a little more freely once they were on their own, and loup got into making clothes—partially as a survival thing, because she and lucas didn't want to spend more money on it, but then she started to consider it as a profession.

she slowly saved up more, but wasn't doing well. even though their situation at home had improved since they got away from their father, loup still got graphic intrusive thoughts of attacking or killing her brother. at that point, she recognized she needed to go to therapy, where she was diagnosed with PTSD, and OCD, causing her intrusive thoughts. it was there they finally explained what she was experiencing: the graphic images she saw, when she reacted with revulsion, were things she absolutely did not want to happen. hearing that gave her considerable relief.

she started treatment for her OCD, which consisted of medication, and CBT. after discussing with her therapist, she also decided it would be for the best to get away from lucas. go somewhere quiet, and safe. start over without all her negative associations. so, she moved to altar.

you see, you cannot convince me
i am not a monster in the making
when that’s the name
you’ve already given me.

loup: french for "wolf". named after the constellation lupus.

lucas: derived from lucius. named after the star lucy (which has the same etymology) from the constellation centaurus.

in ancient times, the constellation lupus was considered an asterism within centaurus, and was considered to have been an arbitrary animal, killed, or about to be killed, on behalf of, or for, centaurus.